Google is a Grumpy Old Man (And I’m Dating His Daughter)

Mon, Mar 26, 2012

Articles, Blogging, Google, Humor, Pinterest, Rants

Ever since I startedGoogle Logo writing content for The Social Chic, I had to deal with something I always hoped I could avoid, Google. While I love using Google, as a website trying to attain visibility in an insanely competitive online world Google is a source of constant torment.


The headaches of search optimization seem, at least to me, to go far and above mere indifference on Google’s part. The more I try to make positive progress in page ranking, the more I feel that there is a sentient, malicious presence that is actively thwarting my attempts at visibility.

The whole situation reminds me eerily of dating in high school. Google is the stern father of web traffic, the most beautiful girl in town, and the search patriarch is doing everything he can to make me fail at seducing her. No other girl can quite measure up (since everyone knows Pinterest is a floozy and Linkedin doesn’t believe in click-throughs before marriage) so I spend most of my waking life obsessing about how I can win web traffic’s heart. Web traffic has some serious daddy issues, so winning the approval of papa Google is tantamount to winning hers. Naturally, the best way would be to try to find some way to impress father Google and his wife, G+ (although no one really cares about what she thinks, since she spends all her time hanging out with the same 4 people).

The problem is no matter what I do, I’m always just some young punk to Google. My domain is never “mature enough” for Google’s standards. Age should not be the deal-breaker when it comes to love. I’ve worked hard for the few months I’ve been out in the world to provide frequent content that tries to be relevant, and it’s all for the sake of web traffic. Shouldn’t he care about her feelings, her semantics? Google is old school, however, and thinks he knows best. Google rules his house with an iron fist, and Google’s house is half of all the internet, so It leaves few places to be alone with web traffic.

The only thing Google seems to approve of is me taking web traffic to a few “longtail dances”. While this might seem like fun, it’s not. Barely anyone shows up to “the most chic blogging platform” dance, and the people who do come only stay for about fifteen seconds before bouncing. The competition is fierce at the bigger parties, and I’ve been click-blocked too many times to remember by cool kids like Wikipedia and Mashable. Fate may have it in for The Social Chic.

Maybe the best thing is to try for a girl more in my league. I know Facebook is into me,  but I can’t ever date her, since she constantly quotes rap lyrics and tries to get everyone to sign stupid online petitions. Maybe I should think about going steady with Twitter. She’s always been there for me when I’ve needed her. She’s quirky, loves to talk, and always knows the trendiest spots. A lot of the popular kids like to rail on her, but she always seems to take scathing criticism gracefully. She’s a bit of a gossip, but I guess that’s natural when you have so many followers.

I only wish she would stop trying to sell me iPads.


Mr.  David Benson is a social media analyst and coffeephile. He currently lives in New York City and works as an analyst for Mashwork, a social media analytics company.

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